The perfect place

 

I was wondering the other day

If I could find some place

To write our names

A place where US wont be taken away

 

So I wrote it in suds

On the shower door

But slowly they run down

And that’s not US at all

 

So I then took my lipstick

A Deep Deep red

And wrote the words on the mirror

But sadly lipstick  can be easily washed  away

 

Then we went to the beach

And I wrote US on the sand

But the water once again came

So I wrote it in my heart

And forever it will stay.

oh f*ck my life. ok, not my WHOLE life.

 

So suddenly, I haven’t posted anything new for a while and suddenly I stop receiving spam? Come on guys! Those were the only people that commented. I felt love along with the comments about how I should really get my genitals enlarged and how my spouse would really like that. Those –specially- made me feel special.

Anyways, the very colorful title suggests many things. Let us list them; I like lists.

·         Jesus and Daina- Final episode of the final season. Final being the key word.

·         Support is a curious thing…

·         A little four letter word having to do with LOVE and HATE called Fate. [hey! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it!]

So I want to keep short and simple, like honey.[ ok, maybe not like honey, cuz not all is going to be sweet]

First is first- my relationship is n more. We officially broke up yesterday after a serious of random and unrelated events. I went to work, had a bridal couple [three in three days! I’m on a roll!] had to stay a bit after work, did the paper work got in and got out. Although it was Easter there was no real joy and laughter around the house. My dad got sick with a full-blown fever dilemma and I had to go return my now EX boyfriend’s shit to him. My brother could have used some attention from me, and my mother even more. She sent me to go get ibuprofen for my dad and I got Tylenol thinking it was the same thing. It was not. So she got mad, I got mad, and I ended up leaving angry to HIS house. That was bad because although I was mad, I was not mad at him at that moment, I was mad at the circumstances. Anyhow that made me susceptible to what little charm my ex holds and therefore I fell, hard. Like when I met him for the first time.

Have I mentioned I hate him? Well I do.

I hate how good he is with me; to me. I hate how he cooks, cleans and protects. How he hugs, or kisses, or a combination. I hate how good he is with my family and how much I love him, need him. I hate how bad our relationship always was, and how this end was inevitable. However, I will never regret what we had, how much we put into the relationship or what we go out of it because hey- even bad relationships are good relationships.

Note: yes, I have-after much deliberation- decided; he was right in the sense that we should end this.

Support:

Can’t say enough here. My family has always supported me in the past, it was always something that was more than enough even when I sure as hell did not deserve it. My mom and dad are the only mom and dad that I have. My brother is an amazing little human with a capability for reading your feelings so amazing that you would wonder if he were psychic. He alone serves as my wall. I can lean on him whenever I need to. As long as I have him I’ll never be alone, I’ll never fall into a depression because he requires me to be there, I have his support and he has mine, it’s what we signed up for when we were given the title of siblings, and it holds us together.  However, family is one thing, friends are another. I told Clarissa today about last night and she went to work to bring me a little notebook that says ‘I recycle my boyfriends’. It was something so small and yet it made my day. I had a bridal Couple today that was not only ecstatic to have me be their registrant but we spent 5 hours together. They even spent enough time with me to get the whole BF thing outta me and both of them felt for me, it’s stupid but it made me feel like everything is going to be ok, like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and how I’ll eventually get there. These people, who were randomly placed with me actually cared, and they didn’t have to. They really did not.

Fate:

Fate took me to Jesus, Fate knew he would teach me.

Fate gave me my brother and my sisters at heart,

Fate made me a promise: to not fear the dark.

Fate whispered in my ear, and brought me near.

It threw me towards my fears,

and somehow brought me here.

Fate simply put an obstacle in my way,

and let me sway- like the ocean so blue,

the forests so green,

the calming nature it brings-

Fate knew all these things.

The moon seems to be setting now…..

Ok, so now that I have pointedly calmed myself for a bit, I can say what happened with the EX-boyfriend.

The breaking point was through email. I wrote him a lengthy and sweet, yet firm email on my feelings about him and the stupid party, to me it is important that he knows why I was so mad and why I’ve been distant, and I told him EVERYTHING, straight out. The reason I did it by email [and I let him know] is because whenever I tried to call he would pointedly make our call short and call me by my name instead of what he usually calls me “honey”, so that pisses me off, and then he says “I’ll call you later, I’m at work” and he said that twice, on two different days and did he call? Nope. So I got extremely mad, and fed up with it because I was trying here. So I sent him that email, and he sent one back saying I was utterly ridicules, that my jealousy was stupid, [ex-cuse me, he only LIVES with three other girls….wtf would I think?] and then at the end he said that he didn’t want to deal with “this” anymore and that was it he basically ended it with “take care” and to me, that was a blow. A major one.  

So, if you ever want to know what it feels like to put your feelings on the line?  You can think of it as ripping an imaginary heart from your body [willingly] that contains all your feelings, thoughts and emotions, putting it on a silver platter and then laying it in the middle of the road…..yeah some cars might miss it, or even diverge from it, but sooner or later…..

Needless to say, I am not speaking to the bf any longer, I’ve cut communications with him, I haven’t and in the last 4 days he’s texted me twice. Yesterday, so I don’t feel a particular need to “deal with that”. If he wants me NOW he’s got to work REALLY hard at it, and if he isn’t planning on begging, getting down on his knees and the insufferable things I’m going to do to him, then I am not even going to waste my time. Because it is going to take A LOT for him to hurt like he hurt me.

Any who, yesterday me and Clarissa went to the beach  J

I am totally happy because it was awesome, and it was like the perfect day to go too, and I have been dying to go for a while and Ideally I would’ve gone w/ the BF but NOOOOO, every time I told him I wanted to do a picnic thing, he was either too busy or working or “we’ll eventually” do it attitude but did we EVER do it? No. I was hoping he’d be really romantic and surprise me or something. But regardless of the hints I gave him, he didn’t do it, provably didn’t consider it. I mean I just think it’s a little boring when all you do with your babe is watch movies…I almost felt like my brain was slowly washing away. It’s a totally weird feeling. Lol. Either way, it doesn’t matter now….me and clarissa did go together, and we brought a bunch of fun-we even had soup! Lol…tomato basil of course J and it was so awesome. We loved it. Oh and we took tons of pics! TONS! Lol. I’ll put them up when I can, but we were so cute altogether. And we fed the birds that came to us, and before we knew it there were like 20 of them, and then when the sun went down and it became extremely cold we played truth or dare. it was hilarious.

Ha ha, good times, it was just what I needed J

hate is a strong word.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I

HATE

HIM

!!!

 

Synonyms belonging to hate and/or/also my EX boyfriend: Abhorrence. Detestation. Hatred. Odium. Revulsion. Disgust. Extreme dislike.

HATE him. Grr he annoys me! Omg. I can’t believe  I ever considered him! Gosh! all the guys I could’ve been dating! [ok, so he saved me from one of them, still.] of all the shit I’ve been through with him, all the shit we both gave up, gave in. GOSH he pisses me off. Off all the damn phone minutes wasted, all the text messages paid for, all the clothes bought, all the diets lost, all the jeans fitting, all the gym and yoga lessons, all the embarrassing moments, the dates the ticketsthemoviesthetearsthejoythe love….ALL FUCKIN GONE. And where he was there is only a deep blue and black stained sea. I STILL have lingerie at his place….i mean we were SERIOUS.

I hate himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

I want to make a movie of us and make him watch it over and over again, and ask him “why?”

Why so sweet?

Why so innocent?

Why so kind?

Why so precious?

Why so remembering?

What good did it do us if at the end all that was going to happen was you breaking my heart. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

So much left unsaid, so much left to the imagination and so much that was just ACCEPTED. WTF is wrong with me?!

WHY didn’t I see it?

WHY didn’t I say?

WHY did I CONFORM?

It isn’t/wasn’t/ never will be- ME.

It was predictable; our relationship.

Too good to be true.

And then again, what can you expect from an 18 year old who’s dating a 29 year old? What kind of relationship can arise from that? I was just being optimistic; my bad.

I hate him so much.

The anger I felt, the tears I held back, I HELD him up! WE went through rough times, I HELPED him out.

Now who’s going to help me?

Who is here to HOLD me?

Who’s going to put a [you + me] together to form and US?

And who is going to HELP me?

No one. No one CAN help. It is what I face as the GIRL in the relationship because of the risk I knew I was taking when I said yes to the first date. This is the risk of liking someone, the risk of getting close to that person, the risk of loving.

Some people never take this risk, and years from now I will be glad that I took it, because there is SOMETHING to be learned; I’m sure, but right now I think I’ll go live [ha ha…live] my loveless life.

I absolutely hate him.