Sections Erate Xilosophers [wrote this a while back, one of my first poems]

If I could categorize everything in the world into sections you would be placed under “evil”

Next to addiction and not far from obsession.

You gnaw at me with desire: through anger and lust

Afterwards, left in the dust.

You gnaw at me with your teeth in my head: when I’m hungry…depressed.

Somehow you always end up in my bed

In and out, your repetitive pattern….that now has become part of my body like no other.

My thoughts, feelings, emotions become you

Even sleep makes no sense, you hardly let me rest.

From that sly smile, those conniving eyes, your luscious tongue and I find myself asking you to please stay a while.

In and Out, just like the breaths that we take…..after each session the feelings sway.

Yet you can almost make a promise lame by guaranteeing that tomorrow will be just the same.

oh f*ck my life. ok, not my WHOLE life.

 

So suddenly, I haven’t posted anything new for a while and suddenly I stop receiving spam? Come on guys! Those were the only people that commented. I felt love along with the comments about how I should really get my genitals enlarged and how my spouse would really like that. Those –specially- made me feel special.

Anyways, the very colorful title suggests many things. Let us list them; I like lists.

·         Jesus and Daina- Final episode of the final season. Final being the key word.

·         Support is a curious thing…

·         A little four letter word having to do with LOVE and HATE called Fate. [hey! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it!]

So I want to keep short and simple, like honey.[ ok, maybe not like honey, cuz not all is going to be sweet]

First is first- my relationship is n more. We officially broke up yesterday after a serious of random and unrelated events. I went to work, had a bridal couple [three in three days! I’m on a roll!] had to stay a bit after work, did the paper work got in and got out. Although it was Easter there was no real joy and laughter around the house. My dad got sick with a full-blown fever dilemma and I had to go return my now EX boyfriend’s shit to him. My brother could have used some attention from me, and my mother even more. She sent me to go get ibuprofen for my dad and I got Tylenol thinking it was the same thing. It was not. So she got mad, I got mad, and I ended up leaving angry to HIS house. That was bad because although I was mad, I was not mad at him at that moment, I was mad at the circumstances. Anyhow that made me susceptible to what little charm my ex holds and therefore I fell, hard. Like when I met him for the first time.

Have I mentioned I hate him? Well I do.

I hate how good he is with me; to me. I hate how he cooks, cleans and protects. How he hugs, or kisses, or a combination. I hate how good he is with my family and how much I love him, need him. I hate how bad our relationship always was, and how this end was inevitable. However, I will never regret what we had, how much we put into the relationship or what we go out of it because hey- even bad relationships are good relationships.

Note: yes, I have-after much deliberation- decided; he was right in the sense that we should end this.

Support:

Can’t say enough here. My family has always supported me in the past, it was always something that was more than enough even when I sure as hell did not deserve it. My mom and dad are the only mom and dad that I have. My brother is an amazing little human with a capability for reading your feelings so amazing that you would wonder if he were psychic. He alone serves as my wall. I can lean on him whenever I need to. As long as I have him I’ll never be alone, I’ll never fall into a depression because he requires me to be there, I have his support and he has mine, it’s what we signed up for when we were given the title of siblings, and it holds us together.  However, family is one thing, friends are another. I told Clarissa today about last night and she went to work to bring me a little notebook that says ‘I recycle my boyfriends’. It was something so small and yet it made my day. I had a bridal Couple today that was not only ecstatic to have me be their registrant but we spent 5 hours together. They even spent enough time with me to get the whole BF thing outta me and both of them felt for me, it’s stupid but it made me feel like everything is going to be ok, like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and how I’ll eventually get there. These people, who were randomly placed with me actually cared, and they didn’t have to. They really did not.

Fate:

Fate took me to Jesus, Fate knew he would teach me.

Fate gave me my brother and my sisters at heart,

Fate made me a promise: to not fear the dark.

Fate whispered in my ear, and brought me near.

It threw me towards my fears,

and somehow brought me here.

Fate simply put an obstacle in my way,

and let me sway- like the ocean so blue,

the forests so green,

the calming nature it brings-

Fate knew all these things.

hate is a strong word.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I

HATE

HIM

!!!

 

Synonyms belonging to hate and/or/also my EX boyfriend: Abhorrence. Detestation. Hatred. Odium. Revulsion. Disgust. Extreme dislike.

HATE him. Grr he annoys me! Omg. I can’t believe  I ever considered him! Gosh! all the guys I could’ve been dating! [ok, so he saved me from one of them, still.] of all the shit I’ve been through with him, all the shit we both gave up, gave in. GOSH he pisses me off. Off all the damn phone minutes wasted, all the text messages paid for, all the clothes bought, all the diets lost, all the jeans fitting, all the gym and yoga lessons, all the embarrassing moments, the dates the ticketsthemoviesthetearsthejoythe love….ALL FUCKIN GONE. And where he was there is only a deep blue and black stained sea. I STILL have lingerie at his place….i mean we were SERIOUS.

I hate himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

I want to make a movie of us and make him watch it over and over again, and ask him “why?”

Why so sweet?

Why so innocent?

Why so kind?

Why so precious?

Why so remembering?

What good did it do us if at the end all that was going to happen was you breaking my heart. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

So much left unsaid, so much left to the imagination and so much that was just ACCEPTED. WTF is wrong with me?!

WHY didn’t I see it?

WHY didn’t I say?

WHY did I CONFORM?

It isn’t/wasn’t/ never will be- ME.

It was predictable; our relationship.

Too good to be true.

And then again, what can you expect from an 18 year old who’s dating a 29 year old? What kind of relationship can arise from that? I was just being optimistic; my bad.

I hate him so much.

The anger I felt, the tears I held back, I HELD him up! WE went through rough times, I HELPED him out.

Now who’s going to help me?

Who is here to HOLD me?

Who’s going to put a [you + me] together to form and US?

And who is going to HELP me?

No one. No one CAN help. It is what I face as the GIRL in the relationship because of the risk I knew I was taking when I said yes to the first date. This is the risk of liking someone, the risk of getting close to that person, the risk of loving.

Some people never take this risk, and years from now I will be glad that I took it, because there is SOMETHING to be learned; I’m sure, but right now I think I’ll go live [ha ha…live] my loveless life.

I absolutely hate him.