hate is a strong word.

2 Apr

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I

HATE

HIM

!!!

 

Synonyms belonging to hate and/or/also my EX boyfriend: Abhorrence. Detestation. Hatred. Odium. Revulsion. Disgust. Extreme dislike.

HATE him. Grr he annoys me! Omg. I can’t believe  I ever considered him! Gosh! all the guys I could’ve been dating! [ok, so he saved me from one of them, still.] of all the shit I’ve been through with him, all the shit we both gave up, gave in. GOSH he pisses me off. Off all the damn phone minutes wasted, all the text messages paid for, all the clothes bought, all the diets lost, all the jeans fitting, all the gym and yoga lessons, all the embarrassing moments, the dates the ticketsthemoviesthetearsthejoythe love….ALL FUCKIN GONE. And where he was there is only a deep blue and black stained sea. I STILL have lingerie at his place….i mean we were SERIOUS.

I hate himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

I want to make a movie of us and make him watch it over and over again, and ask him “why?”

Why so sweet?

Why so innocent?

Why so kind?

Why so precious?

Why so remembering?

What good did it do us if at the end all that was going to happen was you breaking my heart. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

So much left unsaid, so much left to the imagination and so much that was just ACCEPTED. WTF is wrong with me?!

WHY didn’t I see it?

WHY didn’t I say?

WHY did I CONFORM?

It isn’t/wasn’t/ never will be- ME.

It was predictable; our relationship.

Too good to be true.

And then again, what can you expect from an 18 year old who’s dating a 29 year old? What kind of relationship can arise from that? I was just being optimistic; my bad.

I hate him so much.

The anger I felt, the tears I held back, I HELD him up! WE went through rough times, I HELPED him out.

Now who’s going to help me?

Who is here to HOLD me?

Who’s going to put a [you + me] together to form and US?

And who is going to HELP me?

No one. No one CAN help. It is what I face as the GIRL in the relationship because of the risk I knew I was taking when I said yes to the first date. This is the risk of liking someone, the risk of getting close to that person, the risk of loving.

Some people never take this risk, and years from now I will be glad that I took it, because there is SOMETHING to be learned; I’m sure, but right now I think I’ll go live [ha ha…live] my loveless life.

I absolutely hate him.

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