Tag Archives: Confused

And you got a smile..that can light up this whole town….

14 Oct

” dreaming of the day when you wake up and find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole time…..Think i know where you belong , think i know it’s with me”- You belong with me by Taylor Swift

so…..i’m in trouble……. with my feelings.

Yeah, I don’t know what I am going to do because it is so confusing, I like this guy, who likes me and we’re going out, not officially and I’m going to meet his parents…..BUTTTT…..i also like this guy who I just recently went out with and my BF knows about him, he just doesn’t know I like him…and I can’t tell him, my bf is head over heels in love with me and I just keep wondering, what is stopping me from being head over heels in love with him? There’s attraction, there’s chemistry, there’s love…. there’s passion…..i really don’t know what’s wrong, and I can’t logically see the problem, BUT of course…it just so happens to be an illogical problem does it not? But I really do like my bf and I am very happy with him, I know he’ll take care of me and we’ll be happy ultimately, after A LOT of trials, and I am very willing to be there for him, what I’m not willing to do is be let down. If I could trust him through everything maybe things would be different, but he’s faulted 3 times on something that you should not fault even once in. And the third time, he just got lucky.  My parents and him don’t get along just because of those faulty things and also because he’s still married, yeah they’re separated and most likely he hates her now and doesn’t want to talk to her ever again and they are going through the divorce papers, but he isn’t the “go getter” type unless you push him, and I can’t always push, sometimes I’m the one that needs to be pushed and I just don’t know how compatible “exactly alike” is.

On the other hand, the other guy is great in every way, and doesn’t have that which I have mentioned, however he’s older than I’d prefer which isn’t a problem, he’s just getting ready for marriage and I am so not ready for that. But he does have a lot of plusses….that he rocks my socks :] lol, mainly he’s a great guy even though he doesn’t think so, I do. He is really sweet and if he actually put thought into it he would make any girl happy, he’s got a dirty mind just like me but he’s not exactly like me, I know we would disagree on a lot of stuff and have fights some times, but I know that we make each other melt. That we could never stay mad at each other, he and I share some similarities but something else is that he has a GF and I’m not sure how happy they are together….but he seems happy yet he says things that sometimes confuse me and Idk if he’s messing with my mind or of he means them, because I AM so sure he knows I have a crush on him and I don’t know if he has one on me but I kind of feel like he does and when I think about It I’m happy for an instant after that I worry because I want to be with him but I don’t want to be without my bf, my bf rocks too you know :). But I honestly don’t know what to do, Me and the other guy have made plans already to hang out several times , we’re going to go makes s’mores together [it’s kind of our thing…and it’s weird that we have a thing] and then we have this dinner who done it show that we’re really excited about and idk….i’m anticipating that but everyday we talk I get more and more anxious to be with him, we always have so much fun together and I love every moment of it. I also love being with my bf, last time I even considered leaving a guy for another guy….was because I was in an unhappy seemingly happy relationship, but that’s not the case.

Plus i honestly don’t think the other guy would fight for me….if I’m going to leave my current BF, this other guy needs to give me a damn good reason …he needs to fight for who he loves, whether that’s me or his GF

Plus…another provability is that I want what I cant have.

But what made me write this post is the fact that him and I were talking yesterday and this was our convo:

[10/13/2009 11:54:25 PM] HIM: tell me more

[10/13/2009 11:54:27 PM] HIM: about this friend?

[10/13/2009 11:54:27 PM] ME: s

[10/13/2009 11:54:30 PM] ME: lol

[10/13/2009 11:54:31 PM] ME: she’s taken

[10/13/2009 11:54:34 PM] ME: sorry

[10/13/2009 11:54:38 PM] HIM: all the good ones are

[10/13/2009 11:54:42 PM] ME: welll

[10/13/2009 11:54:42 PM] HIM: seriously

[10/13/2009 11:54:43 PM] ME: yeah

[10/13/2009 11:54:45 PM] HIM: its like the story of my life 🙂

[10/13/2009 11:54:47 PM] ME: lol

[10/13/2009 11:54:49 PM] ME: AND mine

[10/13/2009 11:54:51 PM] HIM: i meet someone

[10/13/2009 11:54:52 PM] HIM: fall for someone

[10/13/2009 11:54:54 PM] HIM: and she’s taken

And then he wouldn’t say who this girl was….so I honestly don’t know what to think about it, but I know I don’t want to loose him as a friend.

Ain’t Life Grand?

12 Feb

retire_life

Listening to: Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Here Are the Updates…..

 

GRRRR.
So far this week I have been:

Heartbroken
Shattered
Confused
Mad
Annoyed
Sad
Hysterical
Annoyed
SadSADSad
Crying
Courageous
Flirty
Surprised
And back to:
Mad
Sad
Confused
Annoyed

…and if that isn’t enough emotions for one week, you should see the very separate events that caused each and every one of them. Yeah…Separate.

Let’s start with the most common denominator:
Annoyed: who? Do you need to ask? It’s Obvious it’s whatshisface. Yeah, HIM. [no, not his eternal majesty, Jesus] So I tell him [in an angry email because I AM tired of telling him face to face] that the shit on Facebook has pissed me off to the tip. And I explain my reasons and what not and he replies with a few simple words: it’s over. This of course leads to my heart break. So not only do we break up on the day of our fifth month anniversary, but 6 days later on a Saturday that we had previously planned to be together on he and I speak vaguely about miscellaneous shit like the weather.
J: Hey how are you?

D: well how do you think I am you fucktard? Fine.

J: ok. Good…..did you have school today?

D: You very fuckin well know that I only go to school two days and spend an eternity at work acting like a fuckin slave to the rest of the fuking fucktards like you who don’t know shit about anything, and whom most clearly DO NOT see what’s in front of  their fuckin faces.nope. Just work.

Shit like that, in which I wanted to say a lot more than the 160 characters on my phone would allow per text.[which is another thing that’s messed up in our digital world.] Anyways on Saturday, even with the lame rainy weather, I wanted and was craving some yogurtland frozen yogurt J and I made the mistake of telling J. Why? Oh well…he invited himself to come along with me. To be fair, he made the attempt to win me over with a movie invite but I rejected it J. Anyways, he does his thing and comes over and we go get the yogurt and I believe an hour passed where about 6 whole words were exchancged; along with countless death looks from me to him. We did have a convo in which he very excitedly said :
J: I dreamed I died yesterday!

D: me too.

J: Really?

D: yeah, I dreamed you died too.

J: are you sure it was a dream? Sounds like a desire….

But that was as much words as we got in provably for the first hour. So yeah, we ate our yogurt in peace [it was safe territory with yogurtJ] and we basically said nothing until he couldn’t take it and said

J: Well do you plan on talking

And at this point I turned around and said

 D: what do you want me to say?

J: idk, scream at me, yell, talk, do something, just SPEAK.

D: What do you want me to do? How do you think I feel?

J: Idk, tell me.

D: I’m not the one that needs to talk here.

J: well what do you want ME to say?

D: idk, maybe EXPLAIN yourself?

And so on it went for about 30-45 minutes where we had a good long talk about the face book thing, the relationship thing and etc. Any who I remember I got to yell a lot, and I remember it felt niceJ. So at the end he said

J: it’s not b/c I don’t love you

D: [scoffs]

J: [to himself in a low murmur, kind of like in the movies] and how could I not, you are just so sweet, and so great and so awesome, all the things you’ve done for me, all that you’ve given up. [And he turns my face] I love you, it’s just that you need to experience things, you need to date, experiment, need to find someone who’s good enough for you [he doesn’t deem himself worthy] and [you get the point right?]

Needless to say he got me there, and we hugged and stuff and I thought-honestly- that we had made up….but this leads me to my next topic: Confussion.

So no, the make-up scene I had pictured was a no go. Yeah. Apparently we’re just friends now, friends that are trying to recondition each other to not be with each other. You wanna know a secret though?

Ok, it sounds crazy and stupid and juvenile and I HAVE been wrong before…buuuuuuuuuuutttt for some stupid reason I have some strong indication that we will be together in the future. I believe [and listen to my delusional reasoning] that him and I are a puzzle. And we do not quite fit together, but we do make up part of a picture, but to fit into that bigger picture there needs to be other pieces of the puzzle that have to come together, that will join us. I know it’s a dumb metaphor but in the real life scenario here’s what I’m saying- I need to date other people- that much is true- if I date him for the remainder of the time he has w/ his studies, we will eventually want to move in, which will lead to a proposal or it can lead to a betrayal on my part because as Confucius said “know thyself” I have to admit that I do not have the maturity level to go into a serious relationship. I am 18, I have goals to meet, hearts to break, and shoes to buy. I have to live independently, climb that career ladder, and finish my schooling. The last thing I NEED is a serious BF; I have two jobs, and am a full time student. Like I have any time-seriously. He on the other hand, is the same thing but a decade older. And he doesn’t have the opportunities I have. Basically I believe one main thing- we need to separate now if we want to ever have a future together. Which is why the de-condittioning process has begun. And I am cofused and annoyed once again [along with being mad an exasperated] because we still call each other babe, we still give each other those hugs that are to die for and we still sort of kiss [we try not to] and Valentine’s Day is coming up…we’ve already decided to go out. And it’s hard…de-conditioning is hard. We cannot quit cold turkey and we cannot resume our relationship as if nothing has happened, it’s not in the cards for us.

Now I love him, and the process is going to be a long one. It’ll be a set of trial and errors in which I will date and do the mentioned above. Then some sunny day, when I will have recently broken up with my latest boyfriend of 2 years, on my last semester of graduate school, in the middle of fall 6 years from now, he will email me. And I will remember. Everything will rush back and then go away because the extra years of practice will make me hard on the outside and I will go on the defensive side. He will then say things like “let’s go watch a movie” after a week of summing up the courage through sets of 20 question-like emails to ask for my number, and I will reply with a simple “I’ll see which days I am available” and he’ll ask to go to red robin [our 1st date] I’ll say ok, being winded by the suggestion, then he will pay and we’ll go to the beach [just like on our first date] and we’ll be older-wiser. We’ll still act like total idiots in love though, and we’ll have our romantics scene, and he’ll sum up his 6 years and I’ll sum up mine and we’ll both use very simple words “it was 6 years without you.” then I’ll reject him again, the second time he calls. And my schedule, for just one week, will be incredibly non-conforming to his, just to keep him within check marks, but after that we’ll get our victory dance, our piece to the puzzle, the key to my heart, and we might even stay together. Who knows….

Sure. That would be perfection, but as I know all too well, life is certain in one area-imperfection. Therefore the future is unclear, but I have a feeling I can see through the fog.
On another note:  I have been Annoyed, Courageous, Flirty&Surprised because Austin has really out-done his annoying self. He had myspaced me, he found me on facebook, and he has emailed me. [he’s provably called too, but I don’t answer private calls] all his messages say the same rehearsed words “I miss you, I love you, I want to see you” the only variation was recently with an “over the top” email he sent where he wrote in Spanish [yeah, his white ass wrote in Spanish] he said same as above in Spanish and at the end added “I want to make love to you”  I was like “W-T-F?” I had to read the email twice. I could NOT believe it. Can you say fucktard?  As the German or Dutch would say: Da [yes]. I mean talk about a turn off, not only did I mistakenly give him my virginity but now he comes and reminds me of it? I mean as if I weren’t paying for it…..i mean I cannot come CLOSE to a guy b/c of him and his delusional sexual ways. Needless to say it was not LOVE he showed me. Gosh he’s annoying.

On the flip side though I was courageous on Monday when I saw that fine guy [hey I have the right to look!] at jack in the box. He had asked me a while back if I had a BF, and I said yes, and he was disillusioned, but I was reminded of him on Saturday because he came into the store [yeah! He did! I can’t believe he even remembered where I worked!] and he seemed sad for asking me about the whole bf thing so he doesn’t even talk to me anymore, or look me in the eye, so I thought “why not!” and went by his work and I avidly told him i no longer had a so called BF. Yep yep. He looked as if I had said you won a million dollars b/c he was speechless and unable to speak. He looked at me, said that first thing that came to his mind [oh really?!] and as I smiled I said “well see you later” and left…..ha ha. There! I am taking things slow, and he knows the next move is on him, therefore I was also flirty.

So some jerk parked in back of my car yesterday leaving me unable to get out of the drive way and late to work 21 whole minutes. But although the idiots who apparently run the apartment complex sent the other idiot called the “security guard” to come move the car a little too late [the idiot Mexican moved it just in the nick of time] I was thankful, because thanks to those 21 minutes I lost of pay time I didn’t end up losing the un-paid 45 minute lunch I would have had to take had I been on time. So the guy didn’t get fined and I got paid….win win.

And then to my surprise, I got home yesterday to find a letter [not a bill] from Cuba on my desk. I would like to let you know that little Miss Cuba here got pics from her family in Cuba. Yep yep, I got to see good ol dad with his newest creation- my 4 month old baby sister Camilla. Then there was the sweetest thing with the next sweetest thing- my two sisters together [how old Amalia looks! ] and my new obsession-Camilla looking adorable [yeah, she was made for the camera….not to toot my own horn but good looks run in the fam J] those three pictures made this horrible week tolerable. It made my week. And I can’t believe I have two sisters!!! Omg! I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Just keep ‘em coming dad! 
 
 All has not been lost, for I HAVE found some stuff out. Like the fact that chapstick sucks and it makes your lips dependant. Lip gloss all the way. People are ass holes, not just the Ex Bf but people from school, work and apartments….actually the Ex is probably the only one that isn’t an ass to the extent others are…

 

 

Update: I got into a car crash yesturday [Feb.11.09] yep yep. i know i meant to write this post like 3 days ago but life just moves on and it was a draft until then, so yeah i am actually publishing it TODAY[Feb.12.09] so yeah. The car’s fine, i’m fine and the jerk whom i hit is fine. No legal issues, just me paying for shit like always. My parents are helping me though, my dad says that the car is fine and he fixed it a little bit [the dealer wanted to charge 3,200 AMERICAN CURRENCY and half what my car is worth, to fix a bit of what was crushed….like..wtf? do i LOOK like the fukin depression hasn’t hit me? I hope Ashton Kutcher comes out of somewhere and says “ha! you’ve been pranked!” ha ha ha…..if only.

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