Sigh.

1 Feb

I feel kind of sick today, I don’t know why. It could be lack of sleep, lack of eating, or maybe both. I’m very fatigued, I want to throw up and I am stressed, of course. Who isn’t? Well i finally got my baby videos from my grandpa, back from 1994. They are so cool, it shows me back in cuba, I was SUCH a brat, and demanded so much attention lol…..i guess I still demand attention though.

 Feeling like crap right about now…and have so much to do, I have to finish that stupid scarf I started, then makes gloves and a hattie for the BF who says he gets cold, but really he’s just giving me something to do “so I don’t break up with him” lol. After all we’ve been through, he still thinks ima break up with him. Prrrf…..not something I think about. Anywho. Just came back from a long weekend, had my dads and bf’s party on Saturday, one in the morning, the other one in the afternoon…..it was a long day. We had so much fun though, we had the best of Cuban food at my place and then we went out to eat at a Korean restaurant for his bday with his family. It was just great. We played this game called “Things” and it was really funny questions like “things you wouldn’t say to a police officer” “things that hang” “things you could use as an excuse on judgment day” and well of course we got very creative with our answers, as you can imagine all of us, 10 adults, playing a pg-13 game lol…..well by the end of the night we had nicknamed almost everyone and we were all pretty wasted. HA ha ha … good times.

So today, I had Chem, and we had a fun lab, It was all scientific…you gotta love college. So that was great, except I’ve been feeling bad all day, and as soon as I got inside the class I wanted to leave but I couldn’t have missed it of course, we had tests and lab, I mean its hard to imagine I will ever miss a chem. Class, each is so crucial because of how he teaches, giving you virtually all answers in your notes.

 Anyways after that I came home and David was home and so I yelled at him for not washing the dished because I mean he’s been here all day, has been doing nothing and here I come feeling like crap and all I want to do it like crash on my bed get all nice and toasty and he expects me to be like the housewife and take care of every little whim when he had plenty of time to do so. It just pisses me off how lazy or “not his job” he thinks these little things are. So I took a nap, and I woke up feeling about to throw up. Of course I haven’t really eaten anything all day, and I guess you can say it’s a killer diet but I just don’t have time these days and anyways my appetite is just way off, and I am so picky. So for dinner I was very satisfied with an apple and a mandarin. I mean I don’t need much, my body needs sugar? There you go…turn it into energy and we’re a-ok. Lol.

I’m kinda mad at the bf, this just happened right now at night time, we were talking after he got home from work and I was telling him about the baby videos my grandpa finally dug out to give to me, and I mean I’m overwhelmed by them, I really am, some of the things I did back then I don’t remember, I was only about 4 or 5 in these videos….but I am really touched at how much attention I always had, everyone was always worried about me.

My neighbors, my grandparents, my moms friends, I mean literally everyone who was living across from me or next to me, or knew me cared. My godmother and godfather both were about 15 or 16 when they took on the responsibility and they sacrificed THEIR lunches to bring it to me. Which is HUGE in a desperate country like Cuba…I mean you think Haiti is bad….prrff. so I was truly touched by watching them, as well as nostalgic and I just couldn’t imagine I was THAT little girl, its just amazing to see yourself as a small child, you tend to want to pick yourself up and baby talk yourself. I mean…I don’t know, I was overcome by all this, a video I haven’t seen since it was made, maybe for 15 years or so…and its not like I have baby pics….anyways.

 The boyfriend calls this me being big headed, that it’s all I talk about, that it’s all I say and he wants me to talk to him again when my head isn’t so big. I let him think what he wants, because I know how I feel about this, and it is in no way me rubbing attention in anyone’s faces. He doesn’t realize that in Cuba, these people put their money on me, their food, their life even, and I miss them…I miss those times when everyone was so happy and I was the center of that. I really think its amazing how great they were with me, and I find it difficult to believe I would have been treated with the upmost care and love here in this country. Because although things may be harsh in Cuba, we are NOT an individualistic society and actually CARE about each other, so I miss that. I really do. But apparently that’s called egotism. I don’t care, he was born here, I don’t expect him to understand because he has never seen a society in which your needs are actually taken into consideration by other people, and they care. He doesn’t see how wonderful that can be, I mean in an impoverished country, I was immensely lucky and cared for, most people here are lucky to even KNOW who their grandparents are, let alone spend a few days with them.

 I was at my godmother’s house every day, and was missed if I wasn’t. Plus he probably doesn’t notice me always looking at his baby pictures in the dining room of his house, but I just love it, it makes me really happy to see him as a little kid, I think he was the cutest thing ever, it was probably the one time in his life [until tony was born] when he was the youngest and got babied…..and he just looked so happy. Its such a nice time…sometimes I wish I could go back to that point in my life when skinned knees are all I had to worry about…ha ha….i really miss my family.

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