This is a story of fruit

A story of sweetness

A story of truth.

And just for the record

I wanted to say

That life isn’t simple

And there are things that will happen

and some will go through

but that lovely night,

I didn’t expect you.

It started out like any day

With one thought going round and round in my head

I was anxious, but sound

Thinking about how lonely I was found

 Then a thought came to mind

And it was all you

You were all that I saw

And all that I knew

So I look at the dartboard

I throw my own dice

I’m making the move

And closing my eyes

I hope for the best

And let the dice fall

I’m making this move

I’m giving my all.

I hoped it was good

I had my heart at my throat

And even when I faltered

You never let go.

That was when I knew

You were true

As True to your heart

As I was to you.

I knew this the instant

You knew me so well

That you never resisted

The wish I threw down into the Well

Kiss me in the rain

I said

By the train

Is ok

Round the corner

Don’t get caught

We’re insane…

Was just a thought

That came to my mind

On that wonderful lovely night

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I hate him.

I

HATE

HIM

!!!

Synonyms belonging to hate and/or/also my EX boyfriend: Abhorrence. Detestation. Hatred. Odium. Revulsion. Disgust. Extreme dislike.

HATE him. Grr he annoys me! Omg. I can’t believe  I ever considered him! Gosh! all the guys I could’ve been dating! [ok, so he saved me from one of them, still.] of all the shit I’ve been through with him, all the shit we both gave up, gave in. GOSH he pisses me off. Off all the damn phone minutes wasted, all the text messages paid for, all the clothes bought, all the diets lost, all the jeans fitting, all the gym and yoga lessons, all the embarrassing moments, the dates the ticketsthemoviesthetearsthejoythe love….ALL FUCKIN GONE. And where he was there is only a deep blue and black stained sea. I STILL have lingerie at his place….i mean we were SERIOUS.

I hate himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

I want to make a movie of us and make him watch it over and over again, and ask him “why?”

Why so sweet?

Why so innocent?

Why so kind?

Why so precious?

Why so remembering?

What good did it do us if at the end all that was going to happen was you breaking my heart. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

So much left unsaid, so much left to the imagination and so much that was just ACCEPTED. WTF is wrong with me?!

WHY didn’t I see it?

WHY didn’t I say?

WHY did I CONFORM?

It isn’t/wasn’t/ never will be- ME.

It was predictable; our relationship.

Too good to be true.

And then again, what can you expect from an 18 year old who’s dating a 29 year old? What kind of relationship can arise from that? I was just being optimistic; my bad.

I hate him so much.

The anger I felt, the tears I held back, I HELD him up! WE went through rough times, I HELPED him out.

Now who’s going to help me?

Who is here to HOLD me?

Who’s going to put a [you + me] together to form and US?

And who is going to HELP me?

No one. No one CAN help. It is what I face as the GIRL in the relationship because of the risk I knew I was taking when I said yes to the first date. This is the risk of liking someone, the risk of getting close to that person, the risk of loving.

Some people never take this risk, and years from now I will be glad that I took it, because there is SOMETHING to be learned; I’m sure, but right now I think I’ll go live [ha ha…live] my loveless life.

I absolutely hate him.

So, Yesterday i said i was back on with the BF, NOW, today i am questioning it.

Fuckin A, what is it about men that make them so damn annoying? Why do they NOT get it? Why is everything a YES or NO question for them? Are their heads smaller? [Well, I can answer that one from experience, I’ve dated a few whose head just got bigger and bigger with every look in the mirror...] but sooooo not the point….what is up w/ their grey matter? you know this awesome organ called THE BRAIN, what the hell fell into their empty heads?

Point and case- THE BF, he who deems cartoons unworthy of presentation, he who deems the world as a glass that is more or less “half empty” is my so called BF. Now don’t get me wrong, i love the guy but WTF is going through his head? ok, last Saturday he went to this party in LA with his roommate [a GIRL non-the less] and a friend Orlando.  and to be fair: sure i know this girl, I’ve had conversations with her, we’ve even talked about the BF behind his back, in short we bonded; but she is STILL someone who lives with him and he is someone who brings her up when him and I are together randomly. i mean most stories make sense and etc but i JUST DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SATURDAY. and he doesn’t bring it up all the time, but like today; we were coming home and he brought it up, how he had so much fun at that club he’d never been to because they played that one song of regeaton and everyone started jumping up and down like crazy.

Newsflash: it’s a club!

but then i got quiet and he notices. so he asked

“what’s wrong?”

“nothing.”

“then why did you suddenly get so quiet?”

“nothing babe”

“no. tell me.”

“well i just don’t want to hear about your Saturday”

“oh my god. Seriously? Why are you like that?”

“like what?” [and i said this with an attitude because it's like a 'WTF' kind of question]

“like that. Why does it bother you just because you weren’t there ?” [to clarify, i wasn't there because it was a 21 and over club]

“Because I’ve never done that with you! we’ve never gone clubbing together”

“well then you’re going to get like that when i go to other places when I’m without you, plus we’ve gone dancing before” [insert: yeah, we have, in a Cuban restaurant, now isn't that just a WEE bit different?]

and he goes on to say what REALLY pissed me off the most;

“see this is why i tell you you need to do your own things” [this is coming after we haven't seen each other in 4 days because i HAVE done my own things.]

” i do do my own things!”

“well why don’t you go clubbing with your friends and all that?”

” because i don’t want to drive all the way to LA! “

“well there must be some clubs around here.”

“no! There isn’t!!” [i was screaming at this point ]

“well is it my fault you aren’t 21?”

and i say no and he goes on…

” i told you when we started going out that our age difference was big”

[he's 29, I’m 18.. yeah we're 11 yrs apart, that's huge. but i thought that the fundamental thing was that we cared for each other, i mean neither of us has money, so LUST for money has to be ruled out, we both work and go to school full time, so definitely it gives us what i call 'not enough time together' which is what he wants most of the time. he REALLY likes his space...he misses me all the time, but he would rather be in that state of 'missing' than anything else. yes i get we're both busy and he really is a sweet heart when it comes to hanging out with me, i mean he'll cook and make me laugh and tell me random stories and stuff and we'll have a good ol silly time, but it's not enough for me sometimes. i WANT to go out with him for more than just a few hours and because of certain dumb things we usually can't, and so i expect to see him the next day but we're always busy]

 anyways, THAT specific Saturday i wanted US to go dancing, and we didn’t because of Janet the roommates B-day. so yeah. i was mad. and he just DOESN’T get it. It’s pretty simple, I’m mad and jealous. duh.

anyways. I’m watching Sinbad a CARTOON and he can suck it if he thinks it’s childish or whatever his dumb ass thinks [i swear he's as much 18 as i am]

so now i’m very happy Disney movies and cartoons are what keeps me nice and sweet, it’s the only story in the world that i know will have a happy ending. Sad, but true.

Anywho- Earth day, it’s coming, and it’s BIG. Click here to find out more.

Lemme see. The bf is back to being the BF and so I’m not confused, I’m just unsure-of the future. It’s fuzzy. I WANT to see us together, but like I said it’s fuzzy. And I stand by what I said in my last post about me and him going our separate ways and then re-connecting. Yeah. It’s going to happen. I know it is, just because it’s GOTTA happen. All great relationships suffer in one way or another. From what I’ve seen great relationships in the making have a period of ROUGH times, it’s “Fate’s” way of breaking them or making them. My parents went through it [my mom and dad had to work a REALLY long distance thing from Cuba to California for a whole year. That’s 12 months. That’s 365 days of not seeing the other person. That’s an eternity of questions and doubts and tears because the pressure and they are now together forever. So in a way, it was to strengthen them.] Mayran and Mauricio went through it, not that I particularly like them, but they were apart back in their day too. Carlos and Aileen too , and I use all these relationships and label them as “great” because although the people themselves aren’t so super awesome [not talking about my rents] they have held their own for a long enough time to be considered stable in a relationship. Me, I am not stable. It’s been 6 months w/ Jesus but w/ all my other BFs it was 4 months or less. Therefore I have experience, but not stability. So just by what I have seen and experienced it’s obvious that me and Jesus are not going to be together forever as of RIGHT NOW, but If we wait and see what the world throws at us, that “happily ever after” is within reach if we allow each other to grow. And we will if we’re meant to be. I need more experience and he needs more “alone time” he needs to get it out of his system that whole routine of “me me me, I can hold the weight of the world by myself” idealism. Until we can meet at a certain level, we won’t meet.

I was reading this book yesterday, it was written in the 80s in form of a play and the stage directions are simple; this play is not meant to be memorized, there is no need fancy scenery, it is meant to be read aloud with the actors facing opposite ends of each other until the end when they finally see each other. How many times does a play get written like that? Anyways, it is a play called “love notes” and it’s all about a man and a women who have written each other letters since they were in second grade and have seen each other grow up and they grow to become different people and the audience sees this through the letters they’ve written each other. They never SPEAK to each other until the end [I’m gonna spoil it] when the girl dies and the guy writes to her mother and says that he regrets not marrying her and how he has realized he has always loved her and etc. and the girl is a ghost by this point and she is around him the whole time he is writing this last letter. It works on both levels- as a romantic “seize the moment” tale and as a story about how much letters are important…they really are. I’m writing here on my “blog” but you better believe I have double the info in my journal at home. We depend too much entirely on the internet these days, you ever wonder what would happen to all our memories if this site would just fail? If the whole internet just failed? There is NOTHING that can replace a hard copy. But the point the short play makes is that writing letters is a long lost art, we need to write more letters people!

babe whom i miss; 

always has a new kiss

for me:

little♥miss♥cute-e

isn’t it curious how we spell the word “somebody”? because according to the dictionary definition of ”some” and “body” they’re totally different, yet together…..it’s a significant word. Kinda like life, and more defined: a relationship. Weird huh? [you can see the definitions at the end of the post ] SOOO…being how this post is about the relationship between me and my babe….well that whole somebody thing works out no? yeah. i think so. i like the title. good title. lol. Anyways, about my babe  we’re good. he is being a very good boy today and he’s behaving. he’s very excited about coming over later tonight, and so am i. We’re going to watch CSI; Heck Yes. lol. good times.

note2self: anniversary in 5 days yay [confetti]

definitions:

Some: being an undetermined or unspecified one

Body: the physical structure and material substance of an animal or plant, living or dead.

SomeBody:a person of some note or importance.